A reminder to start off today’s newsletter: don’t miss our latest video on YouTube, because there’s some connection between it and today’s newsletter (a bit of context: We touched on a few observations about differences between Asian and Western culture):

(Disclaimer: We use the terms “Asian” and “Western” quite loosely for convenience’s sake. Our own habits don’t fully reflect what the rest of Singapore does, let alone the entire “Asian” community. Similarly, there’s no clear-cut definition of what “Western” culture means.)

You guys are a diverse bunch — folks from all around the world with all sorts of different cultures. Many have expressed interest in learning more about life on the tiny island of Singapore, but at the same time, we also love hearing you guys’ perspectives. The comment section of our new video has been lively, so please continue to join in the conversation when you’re done watching!

Today we want to expand a little bit on a couple of points that didn’t make it into the final cut of our video. While doing research for the video, the concept of an Eastern “We Culture” vs a more Western “Me Culture” kept coming up. The idea is that culture in the East focuses more on the family unit and community, whereas culture in the West focuses more on the individual, valuing things like independence and personal freedom.

For today, let’s focus on the theme of “independence”, and talk about some differences between parent-child relationships.

Living with parents

What’s supposed to happen when kids turn 18? Sounds like a good time for them to learn to be independent, move to a new city (or even country) and start paying their own rent and bills. That's the impression we get when it comes to western societies (feel free to correct us if that's not the case).

But what really happens in Singapore when kids turn 18? Or 20? Or 25? Nothing much, really. Here, the norm is for children to only move out when they get married.

Firstly, there’s the issue of practicality. With limited land space in a densely populated country, property prices and rent are not cheap at all. And in a small city-state where the longest drive from point A to point B is only about an hour, there’s not really a need to move to somewhere new in order to attend college or start a new job either.

Secondly, there's cultural expectations. For a child to even think about moving out, whatever the reasons are, will almost always be perceived in a negative way, especially by their parents.

“Is it so miserable to be living with us? Is our house not big enough for you? Have we not been providing you with enough?”

And to complete the cycle, parents often move back in with their married children in the later stages of their lives when they may need someone to take better care of them.

When you put all that together, Asian families do seem to spend a lot more of their lives together compared to families from the west. What do you think?

Giving parents allowance

Next, what happens when adult children enter the workforce and start receiving a salary?

In Singapore, the norm is for kids to give their parents an allowance when they’re finally earning their own money. Remember how Asian children live and eat under our parents’ roof, even into adulthood? Well, it’s time to give back to them for what they’ve provided for us. That is our culture’s thinking.

Giving back to our parents is something we can totally stand behind, but it’s not without its issues today. The thing is, many elderly from our parents’ generation have done pretty well for themselves during a period of immense economic growth. Often, they have no need for their children’s money and support. When we give back to our parents, the allowance is symbolic rather than a necessity, and we believe that’s the case for many other families here.

On the other hand, many in the younger generations today are the ones facing an unhealthy amount of monetary stress and uncertainty, and this added cultural pressure to “pay” their parents definitely doesn’t make life easier.

In fact, it’s not just cultural pressure! There’s actually a law in Singapore known as The Maintenance of Parents Act, which states that “any Singapore resident, 60 years old and above, who is unable to maintain himself adequately, is entitled to claim maintenance from their children”. Thankfully, as far as we're aware, it has rarely had to be enforced.

Conclusion

The things we briefly touched on today tell us that perhaps there is some truth to the idea of an Asian We Culture, vs a Western Me Culture. There is indeed a stronger emphasis – at least on the surface – on family unit and filial piety in our culture when compared to the west.

That said, neither culture is better than the other. There’s a lot we can learn from each other!

There's nothing embarrassing about a grown adult still living with (or moving back in with) their parents. Parents should perhaps also be supportive of their kids’ decision to move out at a young age if there’s a perfectly good reason behind it.

And, for adult children to financially support their elderly parents shouldn't be too much to ask for. But at the same time, parents should be more sensitive to their children's situation. That's something for us to be mindful of when we're in our parents' positions 20 years down the road. Today, we face a very different set of problems from what our parents have faced. Similarly, the next generation will face a completely different set of their own problems.

What do you think? Do you agree with our observations? Or were we completely off?